My quest for motherhood continues.........

It will be confirmed by blood test tomorrow but I already know the answer and even going in to have the blood test seems redundent right now. This month did not work for Charlie and I. We are not expecting. We move on to 7 years and 1 month of trying. Back to taking countless medications, back to unmanageable mood swings, blood work and ultra sounds every three days, working straight night shifts to accommodate doctors appointments and just another month of wondering if this will ever happen. I have but three words to describe how I am feeling right now - discouraged, disappointed and defeated.

I'm not sure how much more I can take physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially. I have been told I will not get pregnant without the help of medical intravention and at $1000 a month, it is very costly and if it goes on much longer we'll be looking at almost $1500 - $2000 a month. Charlie and I don't have that kind of money to keep doing this. I think my dreams of becoming a mom will be ending in the next few months as I just don't have much more in me to give.

If this is a test of faith........... then I am failing because I am weak and defeated.

Sorry for the down post. I've been in tears since last night and all day today at work. I'm just not doing very well with this when everything looked so good for the first time in years. I'm beyond sad. Please keep Charlie (RC) and I in your prayers.

Blessed be, Lisa

Lisa, i don't really know what to say, i have never experianced such an issue as you and charlie are right now.
Lisa, all i know is that God is watching over you, and he has a plan for you and i just pray that you realize and see what he has planned for you.

My prayers are with you Lisa and charlie...may God Bless you, and Lisa, make sure you always hold gods hand harder then he holds yours even when times seem hard and it may seem as tho he has left you...but he never ever will Lisa

I'm sorry to hear that you are still not having any luck. I would like to tell you all kinds of encouraging things to try to lift your spirits, but after 7 years of trying, I'm sure you've heard them all.
When I'm going through hard times, I try to step back and take a look at my life. Usually i find something that is hindering my walk with God. When I make sure to put God back on the throne in my life it is easier to understand His will for me. The closer we are to Him the less important the troubles in my life seem to be. That peace that comes with a close relationship with God is the only thing that gets me through some situations. If we love God and show it with our lives, peace and understanding is not far away. But we can't think that just because we are Christians He will make our lives easy and full of wealth.
This is difficult for me to say, but you might try to pray for God to take the desire to give birth to a child away. There could be something that He wants you to see or know first.

Take the story of Sodom and Gomorrah in Gen. God told Abraham that He was going to destroy the cities for the evil they had committed. Abraham knew that God was just and would not destroy the few good people in the city with the bad. So he asked Him if He would destroy the cities if there were 50 righteous people. God told him he wouldn't if there were 50. This went on until it got down to Lot and his wife and family. They were allowed to leave before the cities were destroyed. Some think that Abraham might have changed God's mind, but he didn't. God used that situation to get Abraham involved and let him know what God's plan was. Through this time, Abraham grew closer to God and got a better understanding of how He thinks.
Sometimes we have to "think outside of the box" that we try to put God in. We can never truly understand God in this world, but I think that if we remember where our place is compared to God, it's a good place to start.

I hope that my words haven't brought you more sadness. I will pray for you and your husband. I hope that the sadness you feel now will soon be replaced with joy.

Justin,

Please know that your words did not bring me more sadness. I never really thought about asking for God to take the desire of giving birth to a child away. I have been doing a lot of praying and a lot of meditating on this over the past week and a bit. I have a lot to think about. Each month when it doesn't happen for us, I take a day to feel sorry for myself and then pick myself back up and put back the pieces of my broken heart and then work on the plan for the next month.

I have looked into adoption, which is an option for my husband and I. I'm just not ready yet to go that route. I'm still working on getting more information.

I have started a new course of treatment, I'm doing injections at home......it's been a bit on the traumatic side for me but after a week of doing them, I'm becoming a real pro. The dr seems hopeful and optimistic, but I am not feeling it yet.....

It's been a very long and hard and emotionally draining journey. We have a loving God and I am sure that in his time this will happen.

blessed be,

Lisa